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Take Backs (feat. Ryan Heinlein)

from Room Service 2 by Kadesh Flow

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about

If you can't tell by now, summer 2020 was a very difficult time for me. This was written in August. The full gravity of the fact that COVID had wiped out what may have been a break out year for me, combined with the political turmoil and the gravity of the national race conversation...I was overwhelmed. I spent a few weeks where I truly (temporarily) hated that I had decided to take the leap and pursue my creative output as a vocation.

I also was unpacking an apology from my mother than revealed the roots of some anger issues I had just recently admitted that I had. Occasionally, those would manifest when I drank too much, and I would just be a mean person, hence the first few bars of the first verse. The combination of my actively working on myself, unpacking things I had ignored for years, and what was happening in the world around me, felt staggering.

I've looked up to Ryan Heinlein since I moved here. Amazing writer, teacher, and trombonist. I could really hear him on this song, and he agreed to play on it. Then, he was brutally attacked and had to spend some time in the hospital. Fortunately, he's okay, but this song almost didn't happen. I don't think I would have finished it without him. It already was so heavy of a song for me that I didn't think I could write a second verse to it.

Of course, it all worked out.

lyrics

There’s so much I wish I could take back
High risk high reward. Shouldn’t have embraced that
I hate that I ever listened
To myself


I’ve been on a bender
Bae had some words
I replied absurd
Things I don’t remember

Was hoping July
Would see this pass by
It could be December

Now I feel dismantled
How can I handle
What we’ve been rendered

What does my future even mean
Right now

This stress load has me doing crazy things
I bow

Out. So close. Bookings 10k in a week
Wiped out

Feeling deflated
Heavy depression
Goes unabated
This was obsession
Now insulated
I’m going crazy
Can’t satiate it
I wasn’t resting
I had to make it

But what does making it mean
Now that my living’s been stripped away
That question’s obscene
I can’t forgive
Myself for obeying
My tendencies

Could’ve been safer
But my behavior
Has me reeling

Could’ve been safer
But my behavior
Has me reeling

There’s so much I wish I could take back
High risk high reward. Shouldn’t have embraced that
I hate that I ever listened
To myself
Trombone solo/riffing

credits

from Room Service 2, released July 19, 2021
Instrumental:
Kadesh Flow
Ryan Heinlein

Lyrics:
Kadesh Flow

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Kadesh Flow Kansas City, Missouri

"A propulsive emcee, a bold songwriter, a skilled trombonist, an auspicious producer and an enterprising artist" - 90.9 The Bridge

Rapper with an MBA, a trombone Super Saiyan, and a Billboard Charting recording/ performing artist.
Tromboned on tracks with hip hop stars like Jidenna and underground stalwarts like Strange Music's Ubiquitous and JL.
Opened for Janelle Monae, Tech N9ne, Rakim, etc. ... more

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